Hooray for Friday. What a week. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m so ready for this one to be over. In the past two weeks I learned that two people very close to me are expecting babies. Good god, how infertility hurts. You find yourself simultaneously feeling so happy for your friends and family because they are beautiful/wonderful/lovely people and yet, at the same time, you feel as though you’ve been stabbed in the heart. I keep trying to remind myself that “comparison is the thief of joy” but when you’ve spent years of physical/emotional/financial stress struggling to have a baby, sometimes it’s hard to make sense of it all (especially if you struggle with depression, as I do). This morning I walked Alfred in my pajamas and had a big, ugly cry behind my sunglasses. I’m certain my Danish neighbors were thinking “wow, the American girl in the building has really hit a low point” and that’s okay. Tomorrow is a new day and I’ll be in Rome with the man I love and he’ll remind me again of the beautiful baby we’re going to adopt someday. Thank god for that. Friends are always telling me, with the best of intentions, how lucky I am to have this time to travel the world, but all I can think is how I would trade it all in a heartbeat to have a little one in my arms. I suppose the grass is always greener… In light of losing my hero this week, I am going to try to be more open and honest with all of you about mental health. If you or someone you love is struggling with depression and/or infertility please give them an extra big hug for me. I’m sure sending you/them one. Wishing you all a sweet weekend with those you love. Above, a mini woven straw tote with pom poms that I may just have to treat myself to because well, retail therapy.
Stripe Button-Front Dress, $129
Art Print by Caitlin McGauley, $95
Vintage French Cherry Tole Chandelier, $1,600 (or best offer)
Vintage Italian Melon Bowl with Lid, $98 (or best offer)
Embroidered Woven Top, $69 (other colors available)
Vintage French Bamboo Wall Mirror, $425 (or best offer)
Button-Front Chambray Cotton Dress, $129
Polka Dot Linen Midi Dress, $895
Pair of Vintage Porcelain Lobster Dishes, $85 (or best offer)
14K Gold Locket Necklace, $260
Red and White Stripe Maxi Dress, $18
Navy Gingham Button-Front Dress, $129
Mid-Century Italian Frog Planter, $250 (or best offer)
Sending you the biggest virtual hug, Katie.
Jennifer – Thank you so much. Don’t know what I’d do without my amazing readers cheering for us. xo
It really is true that everyone is fighting a tough battle. It’s so important to be thankful for what you do have: that love, that pup, and your beautiful home abroad. I would also do anything for a little babe but I haven’t met the right person yet. It’s scary thinking about when that may happen or if I may need to try to have one on my own. We are all on our unique path and it’s all hard at times. Sending you light!
Katie: so sorry to hear about your latest sorrow. I, too, live with depression which is just gets worse as I get older. You interview with Kate Spade was just wonderful, too. I still carry her bags and have saved one in particular, a red boxy bag from 2004 that I only take out at Christmas (the bottom is a tad too worn for any other time). I am going to have it painted in her honor. She was a great example to so many women! As was your magazine, Matchbook. I wondered what happened to it – I loved it, too!
Enjoy your weekend and please keep looking forward!
Susan
Susan – Thank you for you sweet comment. It’s always nice to know that I’m not alone in the struggle. I’m so glad you enjoyed the Kate Spade interview, she was an incredible woman. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact she’s gone. Have a wonderful weekend. xo
Kathryn – A single friend told me recently that the way I feel every time I learn someone got pregnant is how she feels every time she learns someone got engaged…it made so much sense. Like you said, everyone has their battles. I’m sure you’ll meet someone and if you don’t you’ll be an amazing mama on your own. A friend of mine and woman I admire greatly recently just started trying to get pregnant on her own and I think it is such a wonderful, brave, awesome thing to do. Sending you a hug. And also, as for dating, that whole “you gotta kiss a lot of frogs” thing is true. Just hang in there and live your best life. As obnoxious as it sounds, it’s always when you least expect it. xo
Katie, Thank you for sharing so openly about your personal struggles, both with infertility and depression. We never know from the appearance of people what they are dealing with, something I am trying hard to remember. Loving thoughts to you…
Paula – Thank you so much for your kind words—it means so much to have such thoughtful readers. I hope you have a lovely weekend. xo
Katie this post strikes right to the heart. Every single woman in my family has struggled with infertility or multiple miscarriages… Hubby and I haven’t even tried even though we’ve been married 5 years now because I’m so scared myself. Watching what each of them has gone through (and a friend who has, for four years now, been trying to conceive) is gut-wretching. Sending love, from across the world, from one pug lover to another.
And p.s. I walk my pugs in my pajamas half crying all the time…
Xoxo,
Ashley aka @MushroomStew || Sed Bona
Ashley – Sending you a huge hug. That must be so hard. I so hope it works out for you and your husband. Relieved to learn I’m not the only one walking pugs in my pj’s with tears streaming down my face! Take care of yourself, and thank god for pug cuddles. xo
Infertility is a true beast. I found that every journey through it is so different which sometimes makes it feel especially lonely. I found that for me after a few years of infertility my response turned to a sometimes very intense grieving and the only way through it was to be kind to myself as I would a loved one and to also allow myself to ugly cry behind my sunglasses or wear my pajamas when I needed. Just as we need to grieve those we love we also need to allow ourselves to grieve dreams that are not working out as we hoped for. That does not mean that we are any less grateful for what we do have or do not appreciate all of the blessings in our lives. A few years in, I started to feel exactly the same way when finding out about other people’s pregnancies. It reallly is so hard to make sense of it all and I think that’s okay. I thank you for being so open about your journey and admire you greatly for it. It has helped me so much through mine and I’m sure has been a light to many others as well.
Ruth – Wish I could give you a big hug. Thank you so much for these words. It’s funny how I went through my whole life thus far thinking if you work hard for something you can make it happen. Infertility has been so rough in that it’s just simply unfair and no amount of effort or money (if I even had it!) would solve this problem. Beyond the sadness, I have just felt so helpless at times at the complete lack of control over what was my biggest dream in life. Moving forward with the decision to adopt has brought us so much happiness and yet when we learn of each new pregnancy around us, our hearts break again at the unfairness of it all (not because we want a biological child, but just because we so crave a child period). Keep your chin up. We’ll all get through it. I still cling to the belief that everything happens for a reason. Sending so much love.
You are brave for writing and speaking about your pain. I so admire you! Thank you. I know you will be holding a little one in your arms..
Beth – Thank you so much for saying that. I know you are right. I just need to get through until that day comes. So lucky to have kind readers like you. xo
I am so sorry for your pain – and for the way it keeps coming back with news of other pending births. Your post made me think about how we all try to show the world how we have it all together. But in reality, so many us are treading water, just trying to keep our heads above the tide. The sad news of Kate Spade me realize just how real that is. So, if any good can come from this sadness, it’s that we can be more open and honest about what the real story is — and help each other get through it. Blessings to you, and wishing you happy trip to Rome! Hugs! xo
Marion – Thank you so much. It’s so true. I hope in being honest about all this, others may feel less alone. Have a wonderful weekend. Lucky to have you as a reader. xo
Infertility really sucks – as someone who has also struggled with both infertility and depression, I can understand the range of emotions that go along with living with both. I am so sorry you’re experiencing this, and I hope you never feel sorry for allowing yourself those moments to feel the sadness and cry.
I started reading Matchbook Magazine around the time my infertility road began and I just wanted to say thank you for giving me something to look forward to each month. I remember well your interview with the Spades. Her loss leaves such a hole in the world.
Heather – Thank you for you kind words. It’s always nice to know I’m not alone. The loss of Kate Spade is indeed a void…still trying to understand it all. Hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Hi Katie,
I’m sorry you are going through A difficult time. I just want to you to know how wonderful I think you are and to thank you for being my wonderful stylist! I am really enjoying many of your fashion and design finds and insights.
Thank you for all you do! You are so talented and I’m glad I found you so many years ago! The child you take into your lives will be so lucky!
Paige – You’re too kind. I’m so glad you’ve been enjoying my posts. Lots more fun things to come. You’ve helped to cheer me up and I’m so grateful.
Sending you warm hugs my dear Katie! What I’d really like is to have you here in the courtyard with me on this beautiful Pismo afternoon to share a bottle of Leticia bubbly and hear all about your adventures in Copenhagen (along with a few tears for good measure). I’m picturing your neighbors whispering about the crazy American girl with the pug and absolutely loving the visual. Dont’ let the shadows creep up on you my beautful girl. Shine on! I love you!
Modeana – You’re so sweet to write. I’m long overdue for a trip home. Will let you know when I’m next in town and will take you up on that bubbly. Hope you’re well. Thanks for all the kind words. Sending lots of love. xo
I used to think that loss was a one-time thing, but some losses are so big that you sometimes experience them over and over, in large or small doses. It’s so hard! I’ve found one of the best ways to get through sadness and loss can be the simplest ~ put on the softest pajamas, binge on Netflix and chocolate, and go on little getaways. It doesn’t make any of the loss go away but it can bring a fresh breeze and a new day filled with better times. I’m wishing you peace, sweet Katie.
My heart goes out to you beautiful Katie, I too suffer from depression and each day is a challenge. Sending you loads of hugs and positive thoughts ❤
I’m so sorry Katie, grieving/rejoicing right along with you. You are helping so many people by sharing your journey, I hope you know that!<3
Adoption is a beautiful way to form a family. All the very best!
Ugh it’s what a week indeed…being a human is hard. It’s just hard! It’s hard to feel and love and yearn and be. I hope it will remind us that we’re all the same in that way and help us to offer more hands and hearts in support. Sending love to you! As always, thank you for maintaining this place of inspiration and delight for us. Have my finger on the order button for that gorgeous Caitlyn McGauley print…
Please know I’m thinking of you + sending the most enormous cuddle and so much love your way.
Briony xx
darling katie, i’ve been following your blog since i got married in 2009 – i had just moved to the middle of nowhere ( missouri) w my new husband and found you via your etsy shop… i still use my tortoise glass ice bucket for small parties…
we also had high hopes for a family of our own, but life had other plans, i have since made my peace, and in the meantime we’ve made a family w/ our 4 dogs… my sister-in-law also at the same time was going through several rounds of IVF – they decided to adopt, and after a year of paperwork, found they were pregnant w/ my now darling 3yr old nephew, they’ve since had a 2nd son completely by surprise. i have the greatest hopes for you and your family, and in the meantime, have appreciated your vulnerability and honesty through your journey.
Love you lady! Think of you constantly. I know you will be a mama someday soon! xoxo
And yes, we need to talk more about infertility and mental health! Thank you for opening up the conversation! x
What a beautiful, honest post. We lost our first child when he was 16 months old – some of the hardest days followed. Yet this evening (26 years later), I had the joy of going out to dinner to celebrate the first day of our youngest son’s summer internship. The best is yet to come…
I’m obviously way behind on my reading, but I just want to send you some light and love (better late than never?). I’m two years removed from a four year battle battle with infertility and the decision to embrace a child free life. Reading your words in this post brought me right back to what it felt like to hear a friend announce a pregnancy. I’m in tears as I remember the confusing mix of utter sadness and joy at the same time. I hope that you find peace and that whatever the future brings, happiness is a major part of it.
Kelly – Thank you so much for this note. So nice to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. Hope you’ve found great happiness, too.